Too cool to die
Today marks the 1 year anniversary of when I got the dreaded phone call telling me my biopsy results came back with cancerous cells. As a cancer warrior you know what I am talking about when I say you remember every second when those words are spoken. For me it was on a bright and sunny Sunday afternoon, I was hanging up pictures, the sliding glass door was open and the air was fresh, clean and crisp. My phone rang and it was my Doctor; "your biopsy results came back, it's cancer." My life flashed before my eyes, I felt light headed and my eyes welled up with tears. It felt like an out of body experience; numb and zombie like. My doctor tells me he has already made calls to set up my appointment with the breast cancer surgeon. He then asks "what are you feeling?" I reply back in a cracked voice "I'm just really sad..."
I sit on my makeup vanity seat looking out the sliding glass door feeling the breeze on my face, I take note that I have never sat here admiring the private backyard off our bedroom in the 6 years I have lived here, every little detail I now begin to notice. Flash backs of my father dying from lung cancer runs through my mind, I am scared shitless. I don't want to be sick, I don't want to be weak, I don't want this disease to take my life. I have never been good with losing control and I remember briefly thinking "what do I have in my medicine cabinet right now that I can take to end my life on my terms, cancer will not make that choice for me". It was a very dark, scary and unsettling feeling which I have never experienced before.
When I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer, I often wondered if I manifested cancer into my life; if I did why did the universe, God or the higher-power choose to deliver it to me? I'm not sure I will truly understand why and I am done trying to figure that part out but, one thing I do know is that I need to make my experience available to everyone and to help as many people as I can.
My girlfriend who is also a breast cancer warrior said to me "darling, when this is over you will look back on this and it will feel like a bad dream." I did not believe her words at that time but sitting here 1 year later that is exactly what it feels like, a nightmare that is now behind me. I am proud of what my body endured, I am proud of where I was able to keep my mindset and focus, I am grateful that I woke up this morning with air in my lungs and another chance at life. I am blessed that cancer came into my life uninvited and showed me what its like to really live, love and experience life to the fullest.